Decisions, decisions...

My arch...nemisi...?

Ha. However you phrase it, I hate making decisions. I try to coax myself along by acknowledging that not making a decision is, often times, still making a decision. It just narrows your options. Still hate them. Especially when I'm not in synch with others on the timeline. Or of course, when my decisions depend on others, or can only be done at a certain time, it's super frustrating.

OK, I promise this will make sense soon!

For the past 3 (Jeebus, has it really been that long?!) years, I've been living like a broke college student, or transient, depending on when you asked me, or who you asked. First, bunked at my job, then when I couldn't stand that, I moved to my parents' couch on the weekdays, and my kids' couch on the weekends. For many reasons, this situation is not ideal. I'm eternally grateful to have parents who allow me to stay at their place, rent free, but it's not a perfect solution for anyone involved. But for now, it's where I am, and I'm making it work.

I've also been working at the nursery school for 3 years. Since then things have slowly gone downhill. Finances are very, very, very tight. Late payrolls and eviction notices are becoming the norm. It's scary. On top of that,my boss is having a life crisis, and subsequently has not been the manager she needs to be. Don't get me wrong, I am not positive I could do better. But clearly, something needs to change. I still love this school, but it's becoming a source of more stress than joy, and quickly.

Clearly, something needs to change.

I started thinking about this seriously last year, on my trip to Trinidad in March. I need a change. For one thing, I need a place to call my own. A room would be fine. At least to start. I also need a job that I can count on. I know that the economy is tight, and even when things are great, nothing is permanent or promised. But, knowing that the likelihood of not getting paid is higher than getting paid, is extremely depressing and scary
Of course, leaving and either hating my new job or losing it, is scary too. I'm comfortable here, and even though some things drive me crazy, it feels like home. It's scary and difficult to think about changing this.

Which is exactly why I must make these changes.

I've got a few alternatives, depending on a few people's choices. The ideal(ish) situation is for me to move back in with the kids and the ex to move out. I'd have to get my driver''s license and a job within a reasonable commuting distance. I've discussed it with the ex, and he's mostly on board. He has a few issues and fears of his own, of course, this would be a big change for him as well. It also depends on his Dad. It is his house, and he may not be down with the switch. It's not that it's never been discussed, but always in the hypothetical way. Things change when they get real and immediate.

Another alternative is to find a new job and place to live. I could either pick a place a) close to the kids so I can see them when as often as we want, or b) a place completely new and exciting with the hopes of starting fresh. Both have their allures and downfalls.

Choosing near the kids would allow me to see them often. But, let's face it, this area is kind of dullsville and socially it'd be a bit stunting. Dating in the area is not choice, and just finding fun things to do that don't include drinking or eating lots of crappy, fatty food is difficult. I have heard good things about Bethlehem, PA though. And there are lots of daycare options here. We'll see.' I also have friends who live on the West Coast who have offered to help me find a new job and place. Some even offering a couch to sleep on while I get settled, or interview for area jobs. On my list are somewhere in Northern Cali, Arizona, and Seattle. I do want to spend some time in Europe as well but that may have to wait. I mean, flights are expensive!

A big downfall is that if I did find my own place and a new job, I most likely wouldn't be able to support the house the way I do now. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean on one hand, my kids live there and I should be supporting them. On the other hand, if it's decided that I can't (for whatever reason) live there, and my ex continues to live there, I resent being the one supporting them. I mean, why can't he take a turn? I've been the main bread winner for most of the kids' lives. I think it's about time that their father takes a turn. And if his Dad decides he wants him there, then maybe it's on him to make support a stipulation in the deal. I'm not saying that I don';t want to help my kids, and I always will in anyway I can, but that the money simply won't be there if I move.


There are things I need to do to make these changes possible. Some of them, like going back to school or applying for a new job, depend very much on which way this decision goes, and since it's not mine to make alone, I'm stuck. Gives me LOTS of time to ruminate and while some deliberation is good, too much? Is not a good thing.

Hurry up and wait!

PS - Speaking of weight (wait ha ha), I've lost 9 pounds since I restarted losing weight. W00t!