Busy doing something close to nothing

but different than the day before. Ha. I've been thinking about that song lately, oddly enough. The first prompt was a pair of gloves and hat I got for Christmas. They're a lovely shade of raspberry and reminded me immediately of that song and a blusher I used to love. The ways our minds work sometimes amazes me.

I didn't get through everything on my To Do. I did one out of 3. Huh. Either I stink at getting stuff done or I'm setting myself up for failure by adding things that don't matter when I don't really need to be doing them. Probably a bit of both. Finally got my son's application for Medicaid submitted, which is a huge load off my mind. I needed some info for him, but now it's done. I really hope he follows up this time.

Also took Jett out for a nice long walk. It was almost 50 degrees out today! Crazy warm for this time of the year, and considering it was 17 degrees 2 days ago. God, it must suck so bad for anyone who lives or works outside. We dropped Joey off in Scranton and then hit a few stores. As usual that ate up a good chunk of the day. We took Jett with us so he was happy. First we hit Bam. Bam is a new book store that took over the Borders store in Scranton when it went under. We were really glad to see it because once the Borders went under so did any book stores within at least 60 miles. Sadly, the one in East Stroudsburg which is more convenient was taken over by a cheesier store. Oh, well. Anyway, I bought a really cute dog calendar. It's cute and they were all 50% off. Shame that I saw a cuter cat one just after I bought the dog one.

Bought the ingredients to make a no bake cheesecake from Walmart. The Walmart in Scranton is quite a bit nicer than the one in Mount Pocono. Also got the fixings for a dinner I've read about on a runner's Tumblr. It's chicken sausage, orzo and broccoli. I think I got the wrong broccoli because she uses fresh rabe but maybe I'll use the spinach we have on hand instead. The cheesecake came out kind of weird because the cream cheese and cool whip didn't blend as well as I'd have liked. Then to make matters worse, I tried to fix it by scooping the pie innards out and blending them, messing up the graham cracker crust. It's better blended but looks weird and sloppy. Tastes okay though.

I also made a Tumblr account for my Sims character. Ha!

One thing I do want to do is to do some research into helping my sister set up a set advertising tutoring and editorial services. She has been editing mine and my son's papers for school now for a while. She's quick, concise and communicates well. I think it's be a good revenue stream for her.I worry about her future. She hasn't had a job that isn't off the books ever. How is she going to live when she's older? I worry a lot about that.

Decided on the classic book I want to read this month. It's "The Golden Notebook" by Doris Lessing. I wonder if that counts as a classic? I think it probably does but I'll have to check. Don't know what I'll choose if it doesn't make the cut. I'll still read it, it just won't be my "January Classic".

Ha. Once again, exhausted and not feeling like writing and still found quite a bit to say.

Night.

Ta Da!

I'm remembering that I work much better with a running to do list. Enough to keep me busy without drowning in things to do. For tomorrow I have planned:

1. Walk the dog
2. file paperwork I sorted today
3. track all of my eats
4. Review Lessons 1 and 2 on the Spanish website

Eh, I'm tired and I don't feel like writing much tonight. 

Not sure that trading "hard time falling asleep"

for "hard time waking up" is a good trade. Sure, I'm on vacation you say. Tell that to an insistent and bored puppy.

I fell asleep last night before midnight, thanks to a combo of NyQuil and Melatonin tablets. I figured the NyQuil would knock me out and boy was I right. Of course, to everyone else I'll be all "well, I wasn't feeling great so I took some NyQuil". But, we're past those silly pretenses now aren't we? I just needed to get some fucking restful sleep. Waking up was so damned hard. I had one of those Groundhog Day-esque dreams. In the dream I kept thinking I'd awakened only to discover that I was still sleeping either because I couldn't feel the water in my shower or I didn't feel it when I slapped my cheeks. I'd then force myself awake and it felt (and this I really felt) like I was pulling myself up out of quicksand. Weird. When did I become such a medicine ninny? It takes me almost a full day to get over medicine grogginess now. It's almost not worth the symptom relief.

I spent most of my day working on my house in Sims Social. A true waste of time but damned if that house isn't looking gooood! Posted a screen cap on Tumblr because I'm just that dorky.

We finally got some shopping done today. Got the stuff needed to make healthier meals and got some Skinny Cow ice cream for the evening. I have been craving a sweet snack at night. I know I'll find some awful thing to eat if I don't have something diet friendly on hand. I do have a recipe for 1 minute peanut butter cake memorized. That was a verrry bad move.

Just got some emails from my former boss who is trying to figure out our payroll for W2s. After we moved the computer from the school it crashed. Add to that the fact that we've been hand writing payroll checks and not using a payroll company and you have SCREWED. The worst part is that even though I wrote checks, I didn't make a worksheet keeping track of them all in one place. I know that by the time the school stopped paying payroll taxes I was pissed for many reasons. I really didn't believe that the taxes would ever be paid or that we'd be able to file taxes. That's part of why I didn't make a worksheet. Or why it never even OCCURRED to me. How is that possible??  I feel kind of stupid. No, really stupid. Of course even if I had, the computer crashed but I'd feel better if I had made one to begin with. Now, we're trying to calculate the payrolls and because of the haphazard schedule and lack of documentation, can't figure out if we under or over paid the staff. It looks to me like under, but my boss thinks over. I don't know which would make me feel better, or which would make me feel worse. Bah.

One thing I did get done today was FASFA renewals for me and the boys. Of course that ties right into the tax dilemma as you have to include this information. For now, I checked off "will not file" and we can fix it IF the tax situation gets fixed. Oh, and apparently I'm a displaced worker. You learn something new every day.

Wow, and I thought I had nothing to say tonight.

Ciao.

Peanut Butter Filled Zombie

Sounds like some sort of extreme snack doesn't it? Seriously, I've eaten just about a jar of peanut butter in the past week or so. Tomorrow, I'm hoping the ex will be willing to drive me to Walmart so we can pick up some groceries, healthy ones.

Today was such a weird day. I did make it out of my pajamas, but I'm not sure if changing into loungewear counts... I've been sleeping really terribly; having difficulty falling asleep, waking up several times a night and worst of all, really crappy dream quality. Not bad dreams, I just can't recall them. That really bugs me. I mean to me the idea of falling asleep with active dreaming is creepy. You may as well be dead for the evening.

Then, after shambling downstairs; feeding the pets and making coffee, I start playing Sims. We were supposed to go to Walmart but the ex didn't sleep last night and was all, "Ehhh we don't need anything. Plus I'm making chili so dinner's done." Except, that we do need things. I just didn't want to bicker, nor drive with someone that tired if I was able to guilt him into going.

So I spent the whole day watching videos on Netflix (my boss was nice enough to email me her pw and login and tell me to use it whenever - hmmm, wonder what she wants...), playing with the dogs, playing FB games, and noshing on fudge, Blurgh, I feel so craptastic now.

Worse than feeling physically blah, I just feel so spacey and out of it. I feel like I'm inside a case with thick glass walls, and everything is reaching me distorted and weak. Like I'm somehow separate from it all, watching from the outside. Wonder if that's a result of my withdrawal from meds, SAD, PMS, poor diet or a wicked combo of all of the above?

I did some retail shopping but it only lifted my spirits for a bit. Bought myself 2 necklaces from The Animal Rescue Site and some clothing from Old Navy. And finally remembered to renew the dogs' licenses. Hope they don't get lost again!

I can't think of anything else to write. I'm going to go to bed, finish my book and hopefully get a good night's sleep.

Day 2

Almost slipped there. Just on my way to bed when I remembered that I hadn't posted for today. Looks like this will take some getting used to.

I was thinking about my last post, and something I said stood out to me. Referring to my decision not to add my traditional "lose weight" to my NY Resolutions, I made light of resolutions. It was my original intention to post that this hadn't been my intention at all. Then I thought about it for a while. These slips, be it a misspelled word, switched name or 'joke' often bring out feelings or beliefs that we aren't comfortable with dealing with head on. So we joke, or repress, but it always finds a way out, doesn't it?

I'm thinking this is a 2 parter. Once part being the lack of weight I accord to these resolutions. Sure, I make them every year, sometimes twice a year, but how much do I really have a stake in the outcome? Do I really believe that I'm capable of affecting change in my own life? Am I merely paying lip service to an idea that I feel I 'should' believe in? This is what I meant by reframing. Part Two is my belief in my ability to affect change. It's a fundamental belief that goes far beyond New Year's resolutions. Do I really take responsibility for my life and actions, or am I a passenger in my own life letting fate and other outside forces take the reins?

I spent the entire day eating poorly and playing Sims. I do so love this game but it's gotten a bit out of control. At this point, I have 5 Facebook pages and a Sims character in each page. I spend a HUGE amount of time clicking and switching. Why am I content to sit back and micromanage the lives of Sims characters, and sleep through my own life? Is this another way of escaping consequences, of not chancing failure since any failure in the games wouldn't be nearly as real or scary? And the eating! Oh my goodness! Huge chunks of Peanut Butter Fudge, pizza and I even went so far as to search for and make a slow cooker PB Chocolate Cake. What is up with the self sabotage? What need are these baked goods fulfilling?

Clearly I have a lot to think about. Started a new book called The Long Run. It's about an alcoholic who is able to turn his life around when he begins running; some inspirational reading. I also downloaded an app called "MapMyRun" where you can track runs, walks, climbs and other workouts, and share running/walking routes with others in your area. Seems fun :)

Well, I'm exhausted so I'm off to bed and to think.

Day 1

One part of my New Year's resolutions for 2012, is to write in a journal for a minimum of 15 minutes each day. So, lacking an idea as to how to "break the ice", I'll start by recording my resolutions and the plan I have to achieve success. An article I read on Cracked.com, spoke about why your resolutions are destined to fail. One major reason, which seemed to make a great deal of sense was "failure to plan". Most people who make these resolutions, have a vague idea of what they want to accomplish, how they will accomplish and leave themselves enough wiggle room to diminish any accomplishments. They tend to leave their resolutions just vague enough so that any effort can be seen as success, even if the goals were originally much loftier. In "The Happiness Project" Gretchin Rubin, discusses the effect that repeated failure has on the brain, as well as success. Both create impact on the brain, and we naturally move towards activities and goals that have had positive effects. That's why, after repeatedly trying and failing at something, without a major re-frame and re-haul, your chances of accomplishing this goal greatly diminished. Success at a given task, create neural pathways that make it easier and more likely for you to continue to succeed in similar tasks.

So, am I saying we're doomed to fail once you've failed once? Not at all. It just means that any undertaking that matters, needs to be reviewed if you haven't accomplished what you've set out to accomplish. Re-framing the task and planning for life's challenges can help you to achieve these tasks. Naturally it won't be easy, as out brains are hard wired to avoid experiences that have had negative outcomes previously. That's where the re-frame becomes very important. You need to trick your brain into believing you are working on an entirely different project.

Thus, my new approach to New Year's Resolutions.

For one, I've decided to undertake just three this year. Any more than that felt like it was doomed to failure and just creating resolutions to feel good about creating them. Fun, but not what I have in mind for myself this year. I've decided to tackle the resolutions in 3 categories; emotional, physical and mental. Granted, there will be some overlap but that's not a big deal. The categories are guides, not the end all be all of setting the resolutions.

Emotional: Live a life examined each day.

It's a cliche but as you get older, the days seem shorter. Time really seems to fly by and you start feeling that you need to "budget" your time. You don't want to waste time trying and failing, trying and failing, at least not without reaping some benfits! Spending more time examining my goals, needs and wants, and learning from my success and failures will in the long ruin, be very beneficial.

Here's the plan:

Fifteen minutes of writing each day, at the end of the year, I plan to export the journal into a self-publishing program and have it on hand to going forward to review. Might be nice for my children and grandchildren. Also, might help me to wake up some creative and cognitive abilities and maybe do some writing that may be published.

Physical: Run a 10K

Obviously that one will take some time. I already have a 5K plan laid out for me by a trainer. The pan is to start working out doing circuit training in PA over vacation. Once I get back to NYC for classes, I will begin training with the laid out Couch25K program. Once I graduate, I'll enroll in Brad Ginsberg's Bridge Program.

Keeping my nutrition optimal and tracking work outs and nutrition are also on the agenda.

Mental: Read 1 classic book a month minimum.

My exposure to literature tends to fall into the chick lit territory. I plan to keep reading these silly books as I enjoy them but add in a variety of books to round out my reading.

Plan is to start reading now. I have several books loaded onto my Kindle and no shortage of time. Once school has started again,I will make a schedule and schedule my reading in much as I will my homework and work outs. Bonus to having the Kindle means my subway rides are a perfect time for this project.

Those who know me are probably surprised that I haven't added weight loss. I do need and want to lose weight but I also realize that I don't have to limit myself to only these three changes. But, they will be my main focus. Weight loss is going be a part of my life for some time to come. No need to limit or minimize what it will mean to my life by adding it in, or setting myself up for failure by adding in a MEGA RESOLUTION.

If you're reading this, feel free to comment. I welcome input :)

FMM

1. List a few common items that can always be found in your fridge. Chicken breasts, milk, cucumbers, water with slices of lemon and cucumber, yogurt, Diet Pepsi
2. What kind of milk do you drink? whole
3. Do you prefer fresh or frozen vegetables? I prefer fresh but I keep bags of Birds Eye veggies on hand to toss together quick meals with a lean protein
4. What do you currently have to drink in the fridge? Water, milk, Diet Pepsi
5. How often do you clean out your refrigerator? Every 2 weeks or so
6. What’s the healthiest thing in it right now? Fresh baby spinach
7. What’s the most unhealthy thing in it right now? Some Ghiradelli PB filled chocolate squares - luckily the boys will eat them first
8. What do you wish you had in it that you don’t have now? Nothing
9. How often do you shop for groceries? I shop for groceries a few times a week.
10. What’s the weirdest thing in your fridge right now? A large ham bone - for the dogs to gnaw on